I remember in no particular order
* a shiny teary cheek
* animated voices of children from the next room
*the dubious acknowledgement of "I will also always love you"
*the call wait from the hospital informing my mother wasn't too well.
*the courage that suddenly crept inside me...yes I could end it.
This last isn't something I actually saw but what you end up remembering isn't always the same as what you have witnessed.
We live in time..it holds us..but I could never understand it very well. I mean ordinary everyday time ..which clocks assure us goes regularly. Yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us time's malleability. Some emotions speed it up , others slow it up -until the eventual point when it really does go missing. ..never to return. I'm not very interested in what really happened and don't feel any nostalgia for them. Because we all suffer damage one way or another.
How do we react to damage..do we admit it or repress it. For me the damage was predictable. .yet I couldn't fathom it. I was too immersed in good times . Now after a year I feel that pain did not last long ..for I have a certain instinct for self preservation.
After all we all get towards the end of life ..no not life itself but of something else..the end of any likelihood of change in that life . We all are allowed a long moment of pause , time enough to ask questions : What else have I done wrong?
There is accumulation. There is res ponsibility ..beyond that there is unrest.
