B eautiful Star

Pablo Neruda said...
" I love you without knowing how, when or from where.  I love you simply without  problems or pride. I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that my hand upon my chest is your hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

Few years ago on this day I spoke to him for the first time.  And today I can echo Neruda's thought on love .  He has taught me to love without a destination. ..has taught me to love without conditions.

Its a divine feeling to love without expectations. ..yet....to know certain mind spaces have been reserved till death do us part.

I can tell him things I can never share and he absorbs everything I say and actually wants to hear more.

I share dreams and hopes for the future that will never be achieved and he just patiently hears me out and actually tells me to keep doing so.

He is never embarrassed to cry with me or laugh when I make a fool of myself. Oh he does call me "dumbo" at times...but don't I  love it.

He has never hurt me or rather never told me that im not good enough but rather he has built me up and shown me things about myself that makes me special and even beautiful.

Things that seem insignificant to most people such as a song , a note or a memory becomes invaluable treasure kept safe in his heart to cherish.

There is a special calmness around him...he makes me feel like him.

He is a rainbow in my life...colours look brighter and brilliant. ..laughter seems part of my daily life.

A phone call once a week where we talk like silly kids,  where we dream hopelessly,  and where I get to hear him call me endearment s...help me to glide past my life.

He has taught me that every little thing including us are transient in life...but to be happy even if there is no tomorrow.

He is my special gift from heaven...and I ? im his almond cupcake.....:)

AN AFTERTHOUGHT....
I read what BOb Marley  wrote on love...and Neruda,  who is also him's favourite. ..part of my post is inspired by their quotes.

My pages

"You think too much. ...."

Yes,  I think too much.  I don't know what.  A vague , uneasy feeeling-- of things changing,  of something amiss and of betrayal of time. I'm restless, chaotic. I'm scared,  for the first time. And what kept me anchored seems to be drifting away.

My head is always buzzing- with so many words, phrases , thoughts. So...so ..so many things! It's so chaotic,  noisy...and so deathly silent. ..all at the same time.

Is it the distance?  Is it the fear of inevitable?   My mind is forever trying to fill up this space  between us. .and the only way it can do it is by thinking. ..more and more thinking.

He chided me for thinking too much. How do I tell him of this chaos...my mind is trying to articulate ( if at all) which ideas to grasp, which dreams to dream, how to feel vacuum again.

And if I can't make sense of my thoughts. ...how can I expect him to understand.

So is my survival at stake?

I usually thrive in spaces where there is no set order....but here in this rigmarole mind space ,  I'm afraid of losing my way , of losing my ability to connect with him, of losing us.

I want to tell him how much I miss him. But im afraid he will find me too clingy.

I want to tell him how much I love to hear him sing out to me. I'm afraid he will find me too demanding. 

I want to tell him how I feel being discovered  ...when he gently nudges me to write. I'm afraid he will find me too unabashed.

I want to tell him that I will forever love him. Im afraid he will think im asking for a reciprocal.

I dont know if I want to hear his answer.  I dont know if I want him to know mine.

So , when is ignorance bliss?  ...I don't know.