My pages

"You think too much. ...."

Yes,  I think too much.  I don't know what.  A vague , uneasy feeeling-- of things changing,  of something amiss and of betrayal of time. I'm restless, chaotic. I'm scared,  for the first time. And what kept me anchored seems to be drifting away.

My head is always buzzing- with so many words, phrases , thoughts. So...so ..so many things! It's so chaotic,  noisy...and so deathly silent. ..all at the same time.

Is it the distance?  Is it the fear of inevitable?   My mind is forever trying to fill up this space  between us. .and the only way it can do it is by thinking. ..more and more thinking.

He chided me for thinking too much. How do I tell him of this chaos...my mind is trying to articulate ( if at all) which ideas to grasp, which dreams to dream, how to feel vacuum again.

And if I can't make sense of my thoughts. ...how can I expect him to understand.

So is my survival at stake?

I usually thrive in spaces where there is no set order....but here in this rigmarole mind space ,  I'm afraid of losing my way , of losing my ability to connect with him, of losing us.

I want to tell him how much I miss him. But im afraid he will find me too clingy.

I want to tell him how much I love to hear him sing out to me. I'm afraid he will find me too demanding. 

I want to tell him how I feel being discovered  ...when he gently nudges me to write. I'm afraid he will find me too unabashed.

I want to tell him that I will forever love him. Im afraid he will think im asking for a reciprocal.

I dont know if I want to hear his answer.  I dont know if I want him to know mine.

So , when is ignorance bliss?  ...I don't know.