When I LOOK BEHIND

The year  rolled in like any other . Much like pieces of flotsam, my thoughts

And emotions floated  all over the place , skimming , attaching and detaching from

Things , people and  experiences. I was dependent on these pieces for happiness

And peace of mind.

And then my entire world was encompassed by a renewed connect. I walked

Into this with measured steps. Taking a step forward and two behind. But

Then who has ever walked into love with caution. Slowly and surely every

Waking thought was focussed on that one person I connected to. Every emotion

Cried out to be shared and every moment sought that special connect. In midst

Of happier and not so happier moments the bond and dependence grew.

 I know I have sugar coated and pushed to the bottom a lot

Of realities. Am I living an illusion, choosing to skim over the sootier

Bits. I don’t have an answer. But I can count my blessings for being

Blessed and lucky. How many of us get to be loved like me. I now

Know divinity. And I can say without a doubt that this has been

My best year so far. And so as my car snakes through the traffic

To reach the venue  and I wait for another year to go by.

The tale of two chipkoos

They called each other chipkoo, despite the distance, difference, difficulties etc etc.

They fell in love without knowing a single thing about each other...his words were magnetic enough to  draw them closer and closer..so close that now they speak together , think alike and sometimes end up doing things unknowingly together. They are imperfect in all possible ways but these imperfections become attractive because they makethem their strength.

Conversations were lyrics and laughter their music and intense yearnings made their compositions so beautiful that they could never go stale.

When they met...they became chipkoos in true sense...the walked hand in hand...stealing a kiss here...grabbing a hug there....so immersed that the world ceased to exist for them.

They would sing songs ...recite poems....talk about poets and listen to music ...each inculcating the other silently into his own world.

She would keep listening to him and his words in admiration and immense pride in her heart...he was after all her love...it made her a beautiful woman.  So she tried in her own way to be worthy of him.

He on the other hand thought her to be his wealth ....he called her so too...he had a very special way of making her feel loved .

This is how they went on loving each other. .

So how do I now end my tale? Do I give them a happily ever after end or do I give them a tragic end? Im not sure...my pair of chipkoos are different. ..because no matter how or what the end may be...they will remain chipkoos forever.

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It"s a tale of two pilgrimages--one with the temple and the other with a river.I was split between the two....with something here and something there. I couldn't decide whether to be a part of this thousand thronging devotees who had assembled in small courtyards in snaking lanes to reach the sanctum sanctorum or get soaked in that river of love.

I was a part of this crowd but was I with them? Did I knew like them that my journey concludes here ? They are believers. .oh yes they are....they come with a conviction that their prayers will be answered. 

 

And what about me? I felt that I needed both extremities to form a line along which a simple journey would commence. I was in the threshold of a new found love and my prayers had been answered. 

I walked hand in hand ...my feet tinkling...I was in joy. Every now and then our eyes met with a careless finality that it felt like a migration of epic proportions.  The air around me was free of any romance. This is probably so because the air was already too heavy with the unuttered passions of those who walk miles to get here, and it could hardly hold anything more.

However,  the night was celestial for me. I had to look up to meet those eyes to know how wonderful it is to drown in the river of love. I learnt that love needs to be special and not mundane like a daily chore.  I realised that love is not to be culminated into a certainty but like life  a tinge of uncertainty gives it a charm.

So my tale is no different than those devotees.Their began with a dip in the river and ended at the shrine.  Mine began at the temple and ended near a river.

 
  

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Some people come to your life because you want them...some come because of birth and relations...yet some come because the blind goddess Fortune spins in favour of you...that is how his presence into my life was designed.

What do I write about a person who doesn't fit into the usual mould...what do I say of a person who knows how to love you at the cost of getting hurt himself....he is willing to show you the world where there's no contrive..he is ready to do things which you like simply because its your wish..he can cry like a baby if he sees you do so....and he could do anything to collect the smiles....

World looks beautiful almost divine when he is around...and why not? For he is my divine intervention.  But beautiful things dont last long..they acquire divinity because of their brevity. ..so ours too has to end.

It is baffling and daunting to think of  life without ....not to speak of the mamoth task of curbing feelings that he will be somebody's.

But then he taught me to love the rain once again so that when he is not there the rains would sing instead. ..he taught me to look at the moon so that I never feel the distance between us . He gave me the red brilliant colours of life so that I am never bereaved of hues...and he gave me  a little sapling which will grow like our love.  He gave me a courage that I never knew existed...he is my hope for next life....!!!!!

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He makes me beautiful. ...

Its so different that at times I feel silly...
I laugh at mad stupid jokes.
I keep making silly mistakes. .idiotic goof ups...
I am always in this intoxicated state....
I dont want to sleep because that will lose me few hours of 'without him.'
I feel I know him for eternity .
I feel like a soul whose search for peace is completed.
I feel like those Russian dolls of desire.(one tucked inside another).
I feel something has happened. ...
I feel so beautiful. ...
I feel so loved....like never before

Midnight Lit Sessions

I got enrolled  to a midnight session of lit lovers...it is a special one where one attends by invite only...hmmm ..the duration could be anywhere between 45 to 60 mins....and yes, one needs to be imperfectly perfect to be a part of it.

Its a perfect platform. ..where we photoshop our lives...tone out the edges..blur our background ....adjust the colours of our life and make us prominent in the frame.

We talk about our individual love life...while slowly unknowingly cajole the other to love our object of love.

Yes..there's a little tease here and there...a small tiff...a laugh ...and our favourite Silence...where we hear our breath mingling together in communion.

The sessions are quite interactive... where we want to share everything that we did...we do..we will do...no yawns stifled...no bored expressions. ..no looking at the time...

The venue could be anywhere ...underneath the leaden city sky..the narrow by lanes or even a dim lit bedroom.

We get little homeworks too..Sometimes as easy as listening to music and at times a little difficult as to appreciate and critique a piece of work.

We have a little gallery too...where we stick pictures or a quote and sometimes even our our own thoughts.

We attend the sessions without the pressure of looking or performing good...the smeared look of the dying day on our faces..the warm faded clothes...hair flying loose and unkempt gets us the most compliments.

I know I have raised your interest and you wanna be a part of this meet.....well didnt I tell you....its only meant for these two imperfect souls who for that short time forget that they are not immortal.

I'm sorry but membership is restricted....!!

B eautiful Star

Pablo Neruda said...
" I love you without knowing how, when or from where.  I love you simply without  problems or pride. I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that my hand upon my chest is your hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

Few years ago on this day I spoke to him for the first time.  And today I can echo Neruda's thought on love .  He has taught me to love without a destination. ..has taught me to love without conditions.

Its a divine feeling to love without expectations. ..yet....to know certain mind spaces have been reserved till death do us part.

I can tell him things I can never share and he absorbs everything I say and actually wants to hear more.

I share dreams and hopes for the future that will never be achieved and he just patiently hears me out and actually tells me to keep doing so.

He is never embarrassed to cry with me or laugh when I make a fool of myself. Oh he does call me "dumbo" at times...but don't I  love it.

He has never hurt me or rather never told me that im not good enough but rather he has built me up and shown me things about myself that makes me special and even beautiful.

Things that seem insignificant to most people such as a song , a note or a memory becomes invaluable treasure kept safe in his heart to cherish.

There is a special calmness around him...he makes me feel like him.

He is a rainbow in my life...colours look brighter and brilliant. ..laughter seems part of my daily life.

A phone call once a week where we talk like silly kids,  where we dream hopelessly,  and where I get to hear him call me endearment s...help me to glide past my life.

He has taught me that every little thing including us are transient in life...but to be happy even if there is no tomorrow.

He is my special gift from heaven...and I ? im his almond cupcake.....:)

AN AFTERTHOUGHT....
I read what BOb Marley  wrote on love...and Neruda,  who is also him's favourite. ..part of my post is inspired by their quotes.

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"You think too much. ...."

Yes,  I think too much.  I don't know what.  A vague , uneasy feeeling-- of things changing,  of something amiss and of betrayal of time. I'm restless, chaotic. I'm scared,  for the first time. And what kept me anchored seems to be drifting away.

My head is always buzzing- with so many words, phrases , thoughts. So...so ..so many things! It's so chaotic,  noisy...and so deathly silent. ..all at the same time.

Is it the distance?  Is it the fear of inevitable?   My mind is forever trying to fill up this space  between us. .and the only way it can do it is by thinking. ..more and more thinking.

He chided me for thinking too much. How do I tell him of this chaos...my mind is trying to articulate ( if at all) which ideas to grasp, which dreams to dream, how to feel vacuum again.

And if I can't make sense of my thoughts. ...how can I expect him to understand.

So is my survival at stake?

I usually thrive in spaces where there is no set order....but here in this rigmarole mind space ,  I'm afraid of losing my way , of losing my ability to connect with him, of losing us.

I want to tell him how much I miss him. But im afraid he will find me too clingy.

I want to tell him how much I love to hear him sing out to me. I'm afraid he will find me too demanding. 

I want to tell him how I feel being discovered  ...when he gently nudges me to write. I'm afraid he will find me too unabashed.

I want to tell him that I will forever love him. Im afraid he will think im asking for a reciprocal.

I dont know if I want to hear his answer.  I dont know if I want him to know mine.

So , when is ignorance bliss?  ...I don't know.

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I'm beginning to prefer silences....
Increasingly conversations are becoming more and more boring .

We are always talking. Think ...we are always talking...there's a constant drone of conversation all around us...it is endless. Do we always listen....no,  most of the time we just listen or pretend to listen, understand or even care!!

We talk to fill gaps .....but silence fills everything so automatically. ..just like water.

Do I even remember when was the last time I spoke for myself...
Without being labelled as opinionated,  melodramatic,  belligerent,  stubborn,  stupid...I could go on.

Perhaps that's why I seek him out. Our tiny bursts of conversations are so easy and fluid. And they say so much. Sometimes I just want to sit and  look into those warm eyes and  listen to him..let our words glide me  through those myriad world of ours . Sometimes our mutual ease with silence say so much more.

Last night ...after a long time I conversed...unveiling our silences , filling gaps within moments.

Last night....I let him hold my hand...so that I could follow him through doors after doors of wonderland.

Last night ...after a long time I let my heart speak and told my head to shut up.

Surprise

Thoreau once wrote....
Go confidently
In the direction
Of your dreams!
Live the life
You've imagined.....

I was doing this for more than 2 years now....and I was happy in my own make believe world....travelling to exotic places, listening to music , cooking , laughing , crying with him. My life was beautiful and had no place for anyone. In my world of shadows he was mine and mine only.
        " I wake up lonely there's an air of silence all around. ..
         In my bedroom and all around....
Make believing we together...."

The lady of shallot had cried out...."im half sick of shadows". She wanted to go out to the real world....for her love... I dont..then why?

life surprised me once again ......I dont want surprises...I dont want to be the lady of shallot moving peacefully to an apocalyptic end.

I was so happy just to hear him.....I am so sad just to hear him...So dear life..do away with your surprises and if this is what it has to be then don't take him away from me...ever!!!
    

Few lines....

      
       Thy voice, nor catch from thy wild eyes these gleams
Of past existence_ wilt thou then forget
That on the banks of this delightful stream
We stood together ; and that  I , so long
A worshipper of Nature hither came
Unwearied in that service : rather say
With warmer love - oh! With far deeper zeal
Of holier love . Nor wilt thou then forget
That after many wanderings many years
Of absence,  these steep woods and lofty cliffs and this green pastoral landscape, 
Were to me, more dear , both for themselves and for thy sake
                                         - Wordsworth

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Life is like a magical web.

     Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and strange surprises. Sometimes that beauty is too much for me to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful?  When someone writes something,  or plays something or when some one gives you a surprise that leaves you to the point of tears.....tell me do you understand?